New Movie Idea

Since Hollywood is presently obsessed with remaking crap from the 1980s, I have an idea I’m sure will be a blockbuster: it’s a Lethal Weapon reunion. In it, Danny Glover rapes Mel Gibson’s whore of a girlfriend. Joe Pesce jacks off in the background. I wonder if I can pitch this to Dreamworks…

There is a new girl…

… And this time I mean new. Not some chick from the past I dug up and started fucking again…

And it’s different this time. She’s great. We have a lot of the same values, we get along great, blah blah blah. And the sex is awesome. I know it’s cliche, but she really makes me feel young again. Better than I was when I was young (because that was Hell).

Anyway it’s pretty good. Things are going kinda fast and we both realize that so we’re trying to put on the breaks. The distance helps… oh, did I mention it’s long-distance? But it’s cool, because we have a plan. It’s just that we haven’t talked about it yet.

Anyway, that’s all I really have to say because I actually don’t like talking about her. I was gonna keep it a secret but this is a pseudo-anonymous blog so…

Why the secrecy? I dunno. I usually don’t talk much about my relationships until after they’re over with anyway. But I had to say something because I get the feeling this one is going to be around for a while…

Top 10 Movies That Aren’t Video Games But Should Be

Usually when they make a video game based on a movie, it’s always some cheesy action flick or comic book character or something like that. These are not interesting. They are all the same. None of the truly interesting movies get made into games. If I had the choice, I’d pick the following movies to be made into video games.

1. In the Realm of the Senses
I don’t know what the point of this game would be. I’ve just always wanted to play a game where you cut someone’s dick off at the end.

2. The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things
Collect points by abusing your kid in many ways. The game ends when you get arrested or the child dies.

3. The Exorcist
The object of this game is to remove the demons from a possessed girl, trying not to kill her or be killed. For more gory action, be sure to buy the Stigmata Expansion Pack.

4. Me and You and Everyone We Know
You poop into my butt hole and I poop into your butt hole. Back and Forth. Forever.

5. 12 Monkeys
Using less-than-perfect technology, travel back through time in order to find the pure strain of the virus so that the humans may return to the surface of the earth. Game is over when you lose your mind or get killed.

6. Leaving Las Vegas
The object of the game is go to Vegas and drink yourself to death before falling in love with a stripper or prostitute. It’s harder than you think…

7. Grizzly Man
Live among wild bears for as long as you can before they maul you to death.

8. Blow
Move and sell as much cocaine as you can between Colombia and the U.S. before being caught. Spend your money as fast as you can.

9. 13 Tzameti
The French take roullette back from the Russians and improve it even more. Sneak in the game, win the game, take the loot, don’t get caught!

10. Deep Water
Race a yacht around the world. If you fail at that, then cheat. If you fail at that, then kill yourself.

The Girls Here are Ugly

No, seriously. I never saw a higher concentration of ugly chicks. I’m not saying that to be sexist or anything like that. I mean for all I know the guys are ugly too. I just don’t know because I don’t look at guys that way. But for the girls: there must be some kind of skank magnet or something around here. It’s disturbing.

I wish they all could be California girls.

Take My Cat, Please!

I’ve had my cat for nearly nine years and I have to say it has never really been a great experience for me. When she was a kitten she used to climb the walls, run madly around the house and scratch up my carpet and furniture. It was driving me crazy. At one point I had attempted to return her from the shelter I got it from, but I some how allowed them to talk me out of it. She also likes to chew wires. She has cost me so much money on cell phone chargers, speaker wire, laptop power supplies, headphones, whatever she can get her teeth on. I can’t tell you how many cell phone chargers I’ve replaced over the years. I try to keep wires out of her reach, but sometimes I forget. And later I come home to find something of value destroyed.

Now that she’s older, she doesn’t run around the house or scratch on walls much anymore. But her old age has introduced new issues. Now, for reasons unknown to me, she meows and whines whenever it’s dark and the lights are off. At first I thought she was having nightmares and was “crying” in her sleep. But when I check she’s wide awake. She doesn’t do it when I’m present, only when I leave the room and turn the lights off. I have no idea why she does it or how to make it stop. It’s so annoying. And recently I’ve discovered another issue. She’s now wiping herself on my carpet. It’s disgusting. I never see her when she’s doing it, but I can smell it when she’s done, and then I have to go and clean it up.

She’s driving me mad. I can’t even stand to look at her anymore. Now I’m not the kind of person who would take a pet and drop it off on the side of the road, but I have to admit I do think about it. For now I’m just hoping she runs off or kicks the bucket soon. It’s been nine long years. I’ve never even had a relationship with a human last that long and I have to admit I’m ready for her to go. I hate my cat.

I am going to Hell

You know I was talking with a friend the other day and was kind of offended when she told me I was going to Hell. But I didn’t argue with her about it. You can’t argue with religion. That’s the beauty of it. According to her religion I am going to Hell. And according to another person’s religion she is going to Hell. So while you can’t say we’re all going to Heaven, you can best be sure we’re all going to Hell.

Bomb Russia!

I think we should declare war on Russia. Fuck Iraq and Afghanistan. This is a conventional war that we actually have a shot at winning.

She Smells Like Baked Ham

Q: What do you call a son who does not call his mother for Mother’s Day?
A: A son of a bitch.

Anger Management


YB: some love songs..too pathetic..
Deryl: well it's about loving someone who doesn't love u back
YB: did you loved someone and didnt love you back deryl ?
Deryl: myself mostly
YB: hahahahahahahahahaahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhha


Goldfish have it made…

Well, what can be said? Today at work was fairly boring. My no-life, ass-kissing, crappy-sense-of-humour boss isn’t giving me jack shit to do. I’m twiddling my thumbs and stroking my cock just waiting for the next interesting, challenging thing to happen… but it evades me. Evidentally I look so fucking retarded that my job would rather not give me any real work to do. But because I look like a fucking retard with muscular dystrophy they don’t really want to fire me because I guess the feel sorry for me.

It’s really not as easy as it looks. I mean you’d think a guy like me who has nothing to do would just sit around jerking off all day. But the thing is I’m bored, and when I’m bored I’m unhappy. And next to that I have the annoying jerk-off office mate who just won’t shut the fuck up. He’s fine spending the entire day jerking off. He is a fucking jerk-off. But me… I want purpose. I mean I come home every goddam day and I have nothing to do. I don’t want to come to work every day and have nothing to do either. Or at least don’t give me your busy work that you could pay some fucking illegal with a Ph.D. $0.65 an hour to do and he’d be happy because at least he’s not fucking scraping cockroaches off of tomatoes. Give me something real!

On an unrelated note YB keeps messeging me and sending me kisses and telling me she loves me but the truth is I don’t feel the same way about her. I mean I care about her a lot. A whole lot. Probably more than anybody else right now. But it’s not the same kind of love that she feels for me. The truth is she doesn’t make me happy, and I don’t think I can make her happy either, at least not in a relationship. But I’m having a difficult time getting that across from her. She thinks I’m the best thing since Crisco shortning while I keep saying to her “Pam, you stupid bitch.” I feel guilty but I can’t change the way I feel.