Goldfish have it made…

Well, what can be said? Today at work was fairly boring. My no-life, ass-kissing, crappy-sense-of-humour boss isn’t giving me jack shit to do. I’m twiddling my thumbs and stroking my cock just waiting for the next interesting, challenging thing to happen… but it evades me. Evidentally I look so fucking retarded that my job would rather not give me any real work to do. But because I look like a fucking retard with muscular dystrophy they don’t really want to fire me because I guess the feel sorry for me.

It’s really not as easy as it looks. I mean you’d think a guy like me who has nothing to do would just sit around jerking off all day. But the thing is I’m bored, and when I’m bored I’m unhappy. And next to that I have the annoying jerk-off office mate who just won’t shut the fuck up. He’s fine spending the entire day jerking off. He is a fucking jerk-off. But me… I want purpose. I mean I come home every goddam day and I have nothing to do. I don’t want to come to work every day and have nothing to do either. Or at least don’t give me your busy work that you could pay some fucking illegal with a Ph.D. $0.65 an hour to do and he’d be happy because at least he’s not fucking scraping cockroaches off of tomatoes. Give me something real!

On an unrelated note YB keeps messeging me and sending me kisses and telling me she loves me but the truth is I don’t feel the same way about her. I mean I care about her a lot. A whole lot. Probably more than anybody else right now. But it’s not the same kind of love that she feels for me. The truth is she doesn’t make me happy, and I don’t think I can make her happy either, at least not in a relationship. But I’m having a difficult time getting that across from her. She thinks I’m the best thing since Crisco shortning while I keep saying to her “Pam, you stupid bitch.” I feel guilty but I can’t change the way I feel.

Blown

So why do girls do this? I met this girl online. She’s not really my type but she showed an interest in me. So I think you never know, right? I remember the first time we talked on the phone. It went pretty decent. I offered to meet her that night. She said it was too late and her hair is a mess, but maybe Thursday. Ok that’s cool, right. So Thursday comes. She’s supposed to get her hair done that day, but afterward we’re supposed to meet. But she never gets back to me. It’s only later she explains that her hair appointment took longer than anticipated. Ok I’m not a girl so I don’t really understand that, but I let that go.

Skip to tonight. We agreed we’d meet tonight. I was supposed to call her. I called her at 6:00. She didn’t answer. I left a message. She never called back. Ok so this is the third time I got blown off. She’s not interested. I can understand that. But how about a “not interested” message? Don’t say you wanna meet and then blow me off. The Bible has a word for that… I think it’s “cunt” or something like that. Be an adult. Say you’re not interested. Don’t wast my fucking time.

I started looking for jobs. I’ve been getting a lot of calls and emails and stuff, but so far nothing concrete. It’s only been a couple of week though, so I’m not discouraged yet. Besides I’m not totally convinced I’m ready to go back to work.

Fired due to Illness %-|

As many of my close friends have known, ever since The Big War i have been suffering from PTSD (Perpetually, Thoroughly Stinking Drunk). It has been really rough for me, but I have been trying to fight my addiction. I even enrolled in a 12-Parts program, but with little improvement. And, to add insult to injury, I have recently been fired from my employer, IBS.

IBS terminated my employment and falsely accused me of drinking on the job. I feel they have no sympathy for my illness, which is protected by the ADA (American Drunks Act). If you ask me, IBS even encouraged this behavior by doing such things as informally sponsoring after-work Happy Hours and a corporate softball team (what else are you supposed to do after the game?).

Even so, I never drank while I was on the job. Sure, I’d have a few shots in the morning before I go to work, and maybe a few swigs when I’m on my break, but when I’m actually on the job as a heavy equipment operator I am totally there and always in high spirits.

For these reasons I have decided to sue IBS for an unfair dismissal. I am collecting moneys for my defense fund. Please contribute to my fund and together we can show Big Doo that they can’t just throw us around like lifeless, gin-soaked rag dolls, even if that’s what we really are.

5 more days of suckage. 2 more potential jobs.

Well, I learned Monday that my soon-not-to-be crappy job does not in fact pay a person leaving the company for their accrued vacation days. This is the first job I’ve worked for with such a policy. Fortunately I only have 24 hours accrued and my boss is giving me both Fridays off so I only lose one. But still, what a dumb rule.

The recruiter from the East Coast has been hounding me. She’s wanting me to edit my resume and do this and do that. Also I think I’m supposed to have an phone interview with the company today. I’m kinda trying to stall them because the West Coast company started a little late and plus they’ve been getting some horrible winter weather so I’m trying to give them a chance. And then…

… and then I got an email from a prominent open source company yesterday. I had sent my resume over to this company some time ago, but figured it would get lost in a pile and I’d never hear from them. But I did in fact get an email from them yesterday and we’ve already scheduled a phone interview for Friday.

I also got approached about a local programming job. I’m not sure that I’m qualified or interested but I may look into it anyway.

All this and I still haven’t decided yet whether I want to immediately jump back into a job (that I’ll end up not liking). Though working for an open source company has always been a dream…

Showing my sensitive side ))<>((

Well, it’s over. This morning my hands were shaking real bad, but at around 10:30 I talked to my boss and gave her my two weeks’ notice. To my surprise things went a lot better than I imagined. She was not angry. Didn’t really try to make me stay. I mean she did ask if there was anything that could be done to convince me to stay, but I think that was more an act of politeness than sincerity. She wasn’t surprised, not that I expected her to be. Her real surprise was that I hadn’t done so sooner. Everyone could see my unhappiness but as I said I have a tendency to prolong my own unhappiness as a form of self-torture.

We had our holiday luncheon. It was ok. On the way there I spoke with DL1, who talked me into taking the job in the first place. She wasn’t surprised or angry either. I expected her to be very angry, but she wasn’t at all. Altogether things went very smooth.

The next two weeks should be interesting. CH will be on vacation (he was actually on vacation my first two weeks as well). I had forgotten about the Christmas holiday so technically I’m not giving them the full two weeks anyway.

I don’t really know what is next for me. I have two potential new jobs. One on the East Coast and one on the West. I’m not sure that I’ll get the jobs. I’m not sure I’d take one if I did. I’m still considering taking a few months to a year off. I definitely don’t want to jump into another job that I’ll end up leaving a few months down the road. I’m still depressed, but feeling better. After the end of the year I won’t have insurance anymore so I’ll have to get off the meds unless I find alternative means. I guess I made one big decision (to leave my job) but I still have a lot to think about.

My boss is no Tara Reid!

Last night I was watching Scrubs on my PVR. It was the episode where JD decides he’s going to break up with his girlfriend (played by Tara Reid) but he can’t seem to bring himself to do it.

In a lot of ways I can relate to him now. Because the same thing happens to me when I have to leave a job (which has been happening a lot in my life as of late). Tomorrow is the big day that I put in my two weeks’ notice. And I have been pondering all day today what would be a good time tomorrow to do this. I pretty much ruled out the mornings. I did that two jobs ago and all it seems to do is prolong the day. People quickly found out and everyone wants to talk to you or ask you where you’re going or talk you into staying or ask you why your leaving. I just want the whole thing to be quiet, but I know it can’t be. I thought about doing it just before lunch, but I fear I’d never make it to lunch. Right after lunch seems like the best time, but then I learned that tomorrow is our holiday luncheon so that kinda makes things weird. I just think the end of the day is in poor taste as that’s not really 2 weeks notice.; it’s two weeks, minus one day.

Which brings me to another point. Why do we even have the two weeks notice tradition? Why can’t we just quit. Once I was told you need to to this in case you decide to come back you don’t wanna piss anyone off. But I seriously doubt I would ever want to come back to that joint. It’s supposed to be so your employer has two weeks to replace you. But in my entire career I have never seen anyone give two weeks notice and have a replacement show up in those two weeks. Maybe this happens at McDonald’s or temp jobs or something like that, but I’ve never seen this happen in the IT industry.

Still, I’ll stick with tradition and give my two weeks. Besides CH, my alpha male workmate, will be on vacation starting next week for the next 2.5 weeks so if I’m gone there will be no one there really. I’d feel bad about that. I already feel bad. Today my boss was discussing stuff she wants me to go over next week and I’m thinking to myself, “after tomorrow things will be different.” I feel bad about just leaving them like that. It’s like JD breaking up with his girlfriend. You know you need to do it but you just don’t wanna. And you try to think of an easy, painless way of doing it but there just isn’t any. I just need to, as my ex would say, grow some balls and just do it.

So I guess I’m going to do it right after our luncheon. I’ll have to pull my boss aside and give her the news. I’ll give an official letter of resignation. I’ll just use the same one I used for the last two jobs and change the company name and date. We’ll probably have a talk after that. She’ll ask why even though I’m sure she knows a lot already. Then it will be a very uncomfortable two weeks I’m sure.

But seriously, why would anyone want to break up with Tara Reid? She’s hot!

Two weeks in two days

Well, in just two days I’ll be putting in my two weeks’ notice. It was just last week that I thought about putting it off, because I had gotten a couple of calls about possible jobs. But then I figured if I put it off and don’t get/want the jobs then I’d have done it for naught. Besides I’m really wanting to move on.

This morning all I could think about is putting in my notice. It’s going to be difficult though. As much as I hate my job the thing I dislike even more is to disappoint people. And it’s clear to me that my boss has no idea that I’m considering leaving, even though she must have some idea that I’m not happy there.

Work actually wasn’t too bad today. I was relatively busy, though nothing interesting or particularly challenging. CH was back from vacation being the typical alpha male that he is, so I was kinda annoyed by that but not much. I closed a few issues, had a meeting. Really not a bad day. Still, I can’t wait to leave.

The New York job called me today. She had told me that my references checked out and I should be getting a technical interview early next week. I’m not really that nervous about the technical, but maybe I should be. What I am nervous about is if/when I get the offer. I’m always nervous when an employer/head hunter seems to want me more than I want them. Historically that’s usually not a good thing. But maybe that’s just my low self-esteem. You know, “why do they want me so bad? I’m not that good.” I’m also anxious about moving, the cost of moving, and the cost of living in New York. Yet at the same time I want to get the Hell out of Texas and start a new life somewhere else, so maybe this is my (second) calling.

Don’t subscribe to Sys Admin

I haven’t written in a while. Not that nothing’s been happening; I just didn’t feel like writing.

I’ve been sending emails back and forth with AE now. Kinda weird that the only person I can talk to now his my ex, who I hated just a year ago. I told her my two deepest secrets (that I’ve been clinically depressed most my adult life and I was sexually abused as a child). She said she already knew the first one. I dunno, maybe I told her. Or maybe she just knew.

I guess she’s happy with her new husband and baby. Thinks seem to be going well for her now.

I decided I would put in my 2 weeks notice on the 15th. So my last day at my job will be the last work day of this year. I don’t have another job lined up now. Maybe I’ll take another six months off again.

Work has been fairly boring, especially with my boss on vacation, but it’s not been too bad. They let us leave a couple of hours early today because everyone here gets paranoid when the temperature drops below freezing.

Today I upgraded my box to 2.6.19 and have been toying with the new PATA code and ext4. So far no issues. I may play with Ecryptfs a little, but to me it doesn’t seem to provide anything over encfs which I already use and am pretty happy with. I mean the performance isn’t that great but I’m not running a database or streaming video on it so wtf.

I really don’t feel like writing anything. I’m just writing now because I haven’t done it in a week and don’t wanna stay out of practice.

Oh, here’s a story. I haven’t recieved any issues of Sys Admin in months (since July?). So today at work I called them. They didn’t have my name or either of the two addresses I had them delivered to in their database. Like no record that I ever did business with them. So the lady asked me if I had the account number with me (the number that’s printed on the address label). I didn’t have a copy of the magazine with me so I told her I would call back when I got home. Well when I got home early today one of the first things I did was call them. This time someone different answered the phone and even though I explained everything that happened on the previous conversation, he continued to ask me for my name and address and then told me it wasn’t on their computer. No shit, I just told him that. So then I told him the lady I talked to before said I could call back with the account number. Well this guy says they can’t look up subscriptions by account number. I’m like what?! This makes no fucking sense. What kind of company can’t look up your account number? It seems like whenever you call any business the first thing they ask you is your account number. So I explained to the guy that I know I’ve been getting magazines because I’m looking right at them. And my name and address are spelled correctly on them, so either they gotta have my name or account number because they were sending me magazines for months until they just cut me off. He said he couldn’t do anything so I asked to speak with his manager. Well, after putting me on hold for what seemed like forever he came back on the line and said that the manager was unavailable and that he would take my name and number and a manager will call me. Well, it’s been 5 hours now and (surprise) no call. I either want my magazines or want my fucking money back. I don’t understand how a company could just “forget” me. I understand even less how a company can not be able to look up a customer’s account number. This makes no fucking sense to me.

wild turkey

I woke up around 4 am this morning. To my surprise I had slept on the sofa in my living room. I can’t figure out why I had done that. It wasn’t that I just fell asleep. I had turned the TV and DVD player off. I don’t think I finished the movie I was watching last night. I must have been drunk.

So today is Thanksgiving to most. To me it was just another day off from work. No friends or family. No big meals. I had a burger for lunch and for dinner the same thing I had yesterday. I called no one and no one called me. I spent most of the day on the computer, listening to music or browsing the internet or on IRC. Read some of my Linux Administration book. I simulated a RAID failure and re-built it just to see if it would work. I resized some of my filesystems and converted one from jfs to ext3. So I guess you could say I was bored.

I went for a ride this afternoon. Actually, I went to get lunch but ended up just driving around. That was pretty much the only time I actually thought about Thanksgiving. I was listening to NPR in the car and they had a couple of Thanksgiving-themed broadcasts. So this year what can I be thankful for? Well let’s see: my “girlfriend” dumped me, I have a job that I hate more than life itself, I have no one to talk to and I don’t love or feel loved. So I guess I’m gonna have to go with “health” again this year.

When after I got back home I jerked off. I haven’t been taking my Lexapro for the past few days so my penis kinda works again. That’s pretty much the only pleasure I get out of life anyway. Sex is way underrated.

Tomorrow back to my crappy job. There won’t be that many people there, so hopefully it won’t be that bad, but I’ll be bored shitless.

I have half a bottle of Irish whiskey left before my drinking binge ends (I finished the vodka this morning). I’ll try not to go on another one at least until Christmas.

all apologies

Work was torture.  I spent the first half of the day looking at the calendar on my PIM trying to determine when I should put in my two week’s notice.  My boss is on vacation until mid-December.  And after that everyone else goes on vacation so I’d feel bad leaving them then.  I figured I’d leave in five weeks.  But then I thought “can I make it for another five weeks?”  Of course I’ve pretty much been saying that for the past six months.  If I’m good at anything it’s the ability  to prolong my unhappiness for as long as most could imagine.

I had lunch at a chinese buffet.  I thought it would be pretty empty there, as who would wanna eat at a buffet the day before pigging out on Thanksgiving.  I was wrong.  It was crowded.

I pretty much felt like shit the whole day (surprise).  My boss is in my face about shit that’s so trivial but I’m supposed to care like it really makes a difference in the world.  One of my work mates asked me what my plans were for Thanksgiving.  I was actually honest and said I didn’t have any but then I quickly changed the subject on him.  I’ve had a few people ask today, and most of them I’ve been able to divert the question.  Everybody wants to talk about Thanksgiving and what they’re doing and I just don’t wanna talk about it.  I’m a loser.  I’m not doing anything.  Now just go the fuck away.

At lunch I thought about dying.  Like I would kill myself if I weren’t such a pussy.  I just don’t wanna try to kill myself and fail.  I’ve done that before.  But I don’t wanna just end up with an injury or lose my legs or become brain dead or some shit like that.  To me that would be God telling me “Oh, you thought your life was bad?  Well look at it now!”  That and I can’t stand pain.  I just wanna die in my sleep or something.  Or maybe I could hire a hit man to kill me.  I’m such a pussy I have to get someone else to commit suicide for me.  I thought about drinking myself to death but concluded that it would be impossible.  I have such a high tolerance to alcohol now that I would pass out or, less likely, puke my brains out before I would die of alcohol poisoning.    Thousands and thousands of people die each day.  How come I’m not one of them?